B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L.

Published August 18, 2013 by bdf0323

What is beautiful to you?
How do you define it?
What do you see beauty in?
Can you see it in yourself?
I think it starts with Believing.
You first must believe beauty exists in the world.
I believe beauty exists in this world in places, people and things.
I am not so quick to believe that I am beautiful on the outside.
I wouldn’t use ‘beautiful’ to describe me on the inside.
I would use words like caring, kind, compassionate.
I am quick to disregard anyone’s attempt to say I’m beautiful.
Tell me my top is beautiful then that is a bit easier to handle.
I think Enduring some kind of hardship or suffering without giving in can make a person beautiful.
I’ve had my own share of hardships and sufferings.
Sometimes I gave in and other times I endured them.
There are hardships and sufferings that seem like they are ongoing and will never end.
More times than not, I want to give in.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I continue to endure?
What do I get out of it, especially when there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight?
I honestly don’t have answers to those questions.
Endurance shows strength and determination in a person.
At times, I can see strength and determination in myself but not all of the time.
Does that make me beautiful all of the time or just sometimes?
Admiration is another part of being beautiful.
There are people in this life I admire for various reasons.
If they attract admiration from people then they’ve obviously done or said something good.
That makes them beautiful.
I think being able to find good in people enough to admire them, that makes you beautiful as well.
The bad things in life that have happened to us can totally make or break us, making us into better people or nasty people.
I don’t consider myself a nasty person.
I think I’m trying to allow my sufferings to make me and that is worthy of admiration.
I am definitely a Unique person in every way.
This I know to be true.
Some of those things that make me unique I don’t consider to make me beautiful inside.
I don’t see that any of them make me beautiful on the outside.
I don’t know which ones make me beautiful inside.
I’m sure I could come up with one or two.
If you are True to yourself, I think that exhibits a true beauty in a person.
Outwardly, I’m not much of a make-up kind of person, so it rarely happens that I apply it.
I’ve had a lot of people, past and present, who have told me I have a natural beauty – that I don’t need make-up.
Again, this is difficult for me to hear from people.
I’ve never felt that I had to go the way of the world and paint my face.
Maybe it was that I never learned how and am afraid I would just make my ugliness worse. Ha!
Now when it comes to clothes, it is a different story.
We can always do things to change our outward appearance.
I don’t think outward appearances are as important as inward appearances.
Who we are in our hearts can give us True beauty if we are true to ourselves with good morals and values.
That can never be changed, unless we allow it to be changed.
That image is the one that should be most important for yourself, as well as for others to see.
Who Inspires you?
Do you inspire others?
I tend to feel like I am not an inspiration to others because I’ve felt so stuck in my hardships.
The last time I felt like I was an inspiration to anybody was when I would go speak and share my story at different schools.
I knew I was an inspiration because of the girls who would come up to me afterward in tears and tell me that I was.
Some of them even confided in me about their dark secrets of abuse, eating disorders and self-harm.
Being an inspiration is part of being beautiful because you are willing to put yourself out there in order to help others.
That was several years ago.
So I disappoint myself in that I haven’t been in a place to be able to do that.
There are people who draw attention to themselves in a negative way, which is how I see myself.
There are others who just really Fascinate us by what they say or do.
Do you have people in your life who fascinate you, or even infamous iconic people?
I pretty much think I’m boring and pessimistic.
Maybe you are fascinated with some of the beautiful places in this world.
Whatever our fascination it is most often tied with beauty.
It’s hard to Understand or have an understanding of people.
It’s pretty rare to have a deep understanding with each other unless you have a similar life event or past with someone.
All of the time we are saying, “I understand.”
It’s almost like a gut response, but do we really understand and get it?
I think they are two words used loosely.
If you can really and honestly understand someone I think it is a beautiful thing.
If there is an understanding between two people of each others’ lives or certain things they have in common, then that relationship is stronger and closer.
You then are not alone.
It is a beautiful thing.
I, myself, am very careful in using the two words “I understand” unless I truly can because I know how frustrating it feels when someone says it, but I know they can’t possibly understand.
This is especially true when it comes to painful issues.
Long-suffering can help us in our frustration.
The important part of long-suffering is patience.
I think that shows a person’s beauty when they can be patient in their long-suffering.
I think it is also a gift.
It’s not easy to show patience, especially without groaning in difficult situations.
It also adds to a person’s internal beauty.
I consider myself to have a good amount of long-suffering.
It is definitely an everyday choice of what I’m going to portray.
The trick and challenge of exhibiting true beauty is to
B – Believe
E – Endure
A – show Admiration
U – accept your Uniqueness
T – be True
I – Inspire others
F – Fascinate people
U – gain Understanding
L – exude Long-suffering.

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Twisted Truth

Published August 4, 2013 by bdf0323

Trustworthy – Having trustworthy people in my life does not come easy for me. Don’t get me wrong. I do have people in my life, but that does not mean they automatically get my trust. My life has been forever changed by people who I put my trust in…who I thought were dependable and reliable…who I loved and cared for. There are people I desire to trust and there are those in my life I don’t. They are just there. For those I desire to trust I may start to inch toward them. With each inch I become more cautious and aware of my surroundings. My senses become heightened. One of my greatest fears is of the water. It sends me into extreme panic at the thought of it pulling me under. So I try to keep a safe distance from it. That is kind of how it feels when I inch closer to someone. A red flag or just fear itself may come up and that will cause me to re-evaluate the people in my life and where they stand. At times, I just think the risk is not worth being hurt.

Reality – It’s often hard for me to discern real and unreal when it comes to certain things. This happens with different thoughts that go through my head about myself. It can happen about certain past events. It can also happen when I question the motives of people. I always believe what I think or feel is reality. If somebody tries to challenge those things then that is when I have a battle inside myself. Are they right? Is this a reality or is it false thinking? Everything becomes twisted and then I’m left to unravel what is reality and what is not.

Undeniable – I’m the type of person that needs undeniable facts and solid proof before I can trust and believe something or someone. If I don’t have it then it causes me to waiver. Growing up I was told what to believe and who to believe. I wasn’t allowed to have a mind of my own. If I questioned anything I either got scolded or was guilted to trust. Now that I’m older I have a mind of my own, most of the time. Sometimes I feel others penetrate my mind and that causes me to waiver. There are other times I don’t even trust myself with my own mind. A lot of things in life are not so cut and dry, which causes a lot of confusion for me. So it’s hard to come up with undeniable evidence to support whatever questions may be present.

Tangible – If everything in this life were tangible it would be a lot easier to live this life. To be able to see and touch something and come to the conclusion it is what it says it is. The biggest thing in my life right now that is not tangible is faith. I grew up being told I had to believe in God. I had to read the Bible. My faith got twisted and left me confused. This started my questions. Who is this God who I can’t see or touch? How do I know He’s real? Well, the Bible says so, is what the answer would be. How do you know who wrote it and that someone didn’t just create a story? People write books all of the time. There is no tangibility here…just faith. That is a struggle.

Honest – I demand honesty from others, as I know they do from me. I think with honesty comes respect. If you respect yourself, as well as the other person, then you are more likely to be honest. There are things about myself that I don’t respect and so it causes me to act harshly with myself. I don’t demand honesty from myself all of the time as much as I do from others. It’s a work in progress when it comes to me.

T.R.U.T.H. – For me, these 5 words make up truth. I walk this life as if it were one big twisted truth. There are positive and negative demands. I demand too may negative things, one of which, is perfection. On one hand, I don’t see it as negative. On the other hand, the truth is that nobody is perfect. My point is that demanding perfection of myself causes me to live in a bubble. Living in this bubble prevents me from taking risks, leaps of faith or nurturing meaningful relationships. I’m in my own world. I’m stuck trying to perfect the perfect me…body, mind and soul.

U.G.L.Y.

Published July 15, 2013 by bdf0323

I’ve been bound and determined to do the opposite of what was done to me.
I’ve also been bound and determined to think the opposite of what some of my abusers thought of me.
It’s unfortunate that the opposites are negative.
I think it’s probably a way of protection.
If others see what I see then nobody would want to come near me.
Some of my abusers would tell me I was beautiful.
If being beautiful brought on certain types of abuse then I don’t want to be beautiful.
So in my world, beautiful translates to unsightly.
The scars I see make me grotesque to look at.
I perceive myself as having deformities.
They make me grotesque to look at.
At one point I was a “bloody mess” and a “dirty old rag”.
That confirmed to me I am grotesque to look at.
The bruises inflicted on me back then and the bruises I have today make me grotesque to look at.
I see myself as being loathsome.
So much so that there are times I look in the mirror and shriek.
The bullying that happened to me growing up reinforced that I am loathsome to look at.
“You’re ugly.”
“You dress weird.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Get out of my sight!”
“You’re a freak.”
“Why do you even leave your house? Stay inside so we can’t see you, you ugly freak.”
So yeah, that about sums up how I conclude I am loathsome to look at.
Lastly, I see myself as being yucky.
Imperfections…we all have them…I know this.
I was born with imperfections.
Things were done that caused imperfections.
As I get older I notice more imperfections.
It’s probably safe to say that there are more to come.
This may sound very trivial, but each new imperfection just intensifies flashbacks of past abuse.
When that happens, it makes it more difficult to live with myself.
Some days it gets so paralyzing that I can’t leave my apartment looking as yucky as I do.
This war going on in my head says:
I’m Unsightly.
I’m Grotesque.
I’m Loathsome.
I’m Yucky.
I’m U.G.L.Y.

SAMMIE

Published July 5, 2013 by bdf0323

SAMMIE

I had always had roommates up until my early 30’s. There were times I wanted my own place. I wanted to feel free…free to do whatever I wanted in my own space. I wanted my freedom. I wanted to be a big girl. Then it happened. I was finally able to move into my place. I made it my own. I was independent. As time went by I felt I was missing something. I was lonely and bored. I wanted something or someone to be with me. I thought maybe a pet of some sort, but the place I lived in did not allow pets. So I just dismissed it for a while. I still yearned for something, so I decided to look for a place that allowed pets. I quickly found one. I moved in and made it my own.

Then I started my search for a cat. That’s when I met SAMMIE, a cute little ball of fur, meowing for me to take him home. It was love at first sight. He was the one that was going to fill my void. He looked different from the other kittens so I wanted to make him unique. That’s why I chose to spell his name with an IE instead of a Y.

Now I have someone to come home to. I have someone to play with. When I’m sad or sick he cuddles up with me on the couch. He sits on my lap wanting to be scratched and pet. He likes to lay on my chest. He likes to crawl up my leg and have me hold him over my shoulder. He listens to me when I talk. Sometimes looking at me like I’m crazy and other times, looking like he understands me. He loves to be brushed. At times he can be ornery, but for the most part he is my baby. Though I feel alone and unsafe in this world, I am not alone and I feel safe in my home.

Ode To The Death Of A Monster

Published May 5, 2013 by bdf0323

I give you trust because it is something you know nothing about.
I also give you death off the highest cliff so that as you are falling to your much deserved death you will have some time to think about the truth…
The hell you put me through and think about the hell you are going to.
A burial is not appropriate for you.
It is too good a gift for you.
Your death will be lonely, so that you will get a taste of the lonliness and abandonment I have felt for so many years because of you.
I am finally not ashamed to be angry, nor am I guilty to speak what is true.
…to rid you out of my life “Forever.”

bdf

CAR WRECK

Published February 17, 2013 by bdf0323

The car crashed and began to roll…and roll…and roll.
It hasn’t stopped rolling.
I thought it was stopping as it neared the cliff.
Then a gust of wind blew by and rolled the car over the edge, tumbling down and down and down.
When will it stop?
Where will it stop?
The more it continues to roll, the more bumps and bruises, cuts and scratches I get.
I want to scream, but I can’t.
I just hold my breath, clench my jaw and try to brace myself for the next roll, the next tumble.
It has to land somewhere.
I’m not sure what is the most terrifying…the continuous tumbling or the impending landing.
At least with the landing the car would be stopped.
There are rocks and water at the bottom.
Will I land on the rocks or in the water?
Landing on the rocks would definitely make for a hard crash landing.
If it lands in the water the car would continue downward and sink to the bottom.
I cannot swim.
The dizziness that comes with rolling and tumbling would go away.
No more being tossed around inside the car.
The only question would be what condition will I be in once I have finally landed?
Conscious and in pain?
Unconscious and unaware of anything?
Cuts and bruises, yes.
Broken bones?
Trapped and unable to move?
In pain, but able to free myself?
Dead?
My goodness, I wish this wreck could have been prevented!
Damn that car that swerved into my lane and hit me head on!
Damn that big gust of wind that blew the car over the edge!
Now what do I do?
My anger boils so much that I can’t remember the last time it boiled this much.
I think it is actually scarier than the crash itself.
It is my instinct to tuck inside myself when my anger is at its height.
Those who don’t deserve my wrath should not have to see it.
So that is where I am.
In the midst of a car wreck…tucked…rolling…tumbling.

CUTS

Published December 5, 2012 by bdf0323

CUTS

They can be seen or unseen.
They can be physical or emotional.
They bleed both inside and outside.
They can be deep or shallow.
However, both leave all kinds of scars.
Band-aids can help stop the bleeding outside,
But there are no band-aids big enough to stop the bleeding inside.
There is a secret shame that surrounds them.
At times, there can be some sort of rage attached to them.
Then tears start to fall and thoughts of needing to hide are all encompassing.
It is unexplainable.
Even as I write, it is hard to find the words to explain.
Very few people in my world can understand and comprehend the scars and how they got there.
That being said, most other people in my world cannot even grasp it, at no fault of their own.
If they could really wrap their head around it, then I would think that they, themselves, had been thru some kind of hell of their own life.
I would not wish that on anyone just so they could grasp everything about my world.
Those on the inside hurt worse than those that are outside.
If people saw those on the outside they would obviously see there is a need for a band-aid.
Those that are unseen do not get the attention they need because nobody sees them.
There are phrases that go thru my mind of what I think others are thinking if I try to describe the unseen.
“She needs to get over this already.”
“She just needs to move on and forget about the past.”
“She’s fine. It’s not serious.”
“What’s the big deal?”
When life gets intense I am brought to a point at which I don’t know what else to do.
Communication gets frustrating and the loneliness starts to creep in again.
In a weird and twisted way, those that can be seen can become my ‘friend’ in order to lessen the pain of the unseen…if I allow it.
I’ve been known to invite the seen in with no thought or hesitation.
There are times I can question the seen and still invite it in.
Other times I can question the seen and dismiss it.
It seems when I feel so incredibly beat down I am more vulnerable to inviting the seen right on in.
Fortunately, this particular type of invitation doesn’t happen very often, which means I am growing as a person.
There are reasons I get prompted to pick up a pen and paper and begin to write.
They are usually because I am either inspired by something or bothered by something.
In this case, it’s more about being bothered by something.
I try to work it out thru written words with the end goal of not being so bothered.
Sometimes I come up with answers and other times I am just left with more questions.
Right now, I’m experiencing shame, some rage and tears…but they are all internal.
Externally, it manifests in emotional ways like deeper depression and decreased motivation.
I have both the seen and the unseen.
They aren’t attractive.
I am good at hiding them when I want or need to.
I’ve had them throughout my lifetime and they both leave some sort of damage.
They are all cuts.
It saddens me that the “damaged” feeling has almost become a normal feeling, as if everyone else is strange to not consider it a normal feeling in their own lives.
Does it make me avoid fighting battles for fear of further damage?
Does my hurt and sarcastic side of me say “I don’t care what happens. Another cut isn’t going to matter.”
Does the shameful side of me make me want to hide in a dark corner somewhere?
Do I turn the rage on myself or do I say “damn it! I’m going to figure this out?”
These are all questions going thru my mind.
These are the things that are bothersome right now.
These are the cuts…seen and unseen…physical and internal.